Reality is Less Sweet than Fiction
by Lilypad the Fourth
Summary: The Unit companies are at it again, sending out units to history-wise young girls and boys across the country. Frankly, I wish they'd skipped me, because then my life would be slightly easier. But there's something up with FMB Corp and the units... Manual Fic. Rated for language.
1. In which I say some nice words

_**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Hetalia, tornadoes, Lollidictator's manuals, or the Jehovah's Witnesses. And no, I don't hate them either. I just wish they'd stop stopping by while I'm in a nightgown. **  
_

_Knock, knock, knock_.

"Mmmph..." I made a noise into my couch-pillow and blinked my brown eyes sleepily. First of all, why was anyone knocking at my house at, oh, eight in the morning on a Sunday? Anyone I knew who could drive to my house was either suffering a hangover, sleeping, or prepping for church. (Hopefully it was only the adults who were hung over.) And second of all, why was I on the couch? Meh, it was comfy.

_Knock, knock, knock_. Whoever it was really wanted me to answer the door. Of course, mind you my longish blonde hair was in a mess (think a cross between Einstein and crazy cat lady) and I was in my pumpkin pie pajamas (which consisted of an orange t-shirt with a pi symbol and dark green sweatpants with POCKETS. It was part of a Halloween costume of mine last year) so I obviously did not look nice enough to answer the door.

Still, that repeated knocking was getting annoying (and louder). It was probably a Jehovah's Witness or some crap like that. So, I rolled off the couch, adjusted my hair a bit, and put in a scowl as I went to open the door.

"Excuse me miss, but would you-" Nope. Not even gonna listen to you people today. I shut the door in the guy's face, then paused for a second. Did he have a uniform on? That was mint green? Oh, crapples. I opened the door again and actually got a good look at the guy on my front porch.

"Um, ma'am? Y-you're supposed to sign this..." The guy whom I had mistaken as a Jehovah's Witness actually appeared to be with Flying Mint Bunny Corp. Two boxes -large, wooden boxes- were on the porch next to him. The poor guy, who definitely wasn't much older than my 16 years, looked super frickin' nervous. Prolly his first day on the job.

So, since my brain clearly wasn't working, I signed the papers and blinked sleepily. "Oh, and ma'am-"

"Miss." God, I hate being called ma'am.

"Miss," he said, still trembling, "I'm, uh, supposed to give you these." He handed me two books. "You'll want to look these over before engaging the units. Where do you want these?"

"Living room."

The guy wheeled the crates into my living room and bid me good day. As the giant bunny van drove down my driveway, I took a look at one of the thick books.

_ARTHUR KIRKLAND: User Guide and Manual_. Oh thank god, a sane one. Of course, my relief was short-lived, because of what the other book had on its cover.

_FRANCIS BONNEFOIS: User Guide and Manual. _

Well, shit. My brain was so not ready to comprehend all of this at eight in the morning without food. Or coffee. Or even fully dressed. So, on that note, I sent the manuals on the coffee table and went upstairs to my room to get changed, leaving the crates to themselves.

* * *

I brushed my hair and teeth and decided to get changed into what my mom likes to call "swim meet clothes", or basically lounge clothes. I took off my pajamas and changed into my comfiest pair of dark-wash jeans and a t-shirt with portals on the front and back. Ah, memories.

The shirt reminded me of my mom and stepdad, who were currently in New Mexico for their anniversary and wouldn't be back until the following Sunday. Thank god I was already out for summer break, or the units downstairs would be even more of a problem. As it was, I had to figure out a way to explain to my parents how exactly two grown men ended up at our house. I was pretty sure my mom would be okay with it, as long as I explained and didn't lie (she's pretty damn awesome, and an anime/geek as well, just more hardcore than me) but my stepdad would have an F5 tornado level fit. It would be like May 3rd* all over again.

Speaking of May 3rd, if I didn't get back down to open the boxes correctly the two units would promptly trash my house and drink all of my parent's liquor. Which would get me killed when the parents came home. On that happy thought, I ran back out of my room -mindful to shut the door- and tromped down the stairs to the living room.

"Okay, Lizzy, deep breaths, deep breaths. In, out. In, out," I told myself, plopping down on the couch and following my instructions. I was much more awake than when I signed for the units, even though it had only been ten minutes since then. I was on the verge of having a fan-gasm, which was very unlike me. Now, if my mom was here, she'd flip smooth out and start running around the yard in circles screaming in joy. I'm much calmer than that, but no one really knows what they'd do in a situation like this.

After calming myself down a bit, I grabbed the manuals off of the table and cracked both of them open to the part where it says how to wake the units. After scanning through the passages (and becoming a little grossed out at one of France's options) I realized there was only one thing to do- make French food.

Mind you, this would require me to be able to cook French food. Also, doing so would wake up both units at once, and I wasn't sure I wanted that. Especially if Arthur was a pirate. (Which, while super cool, would be very bad for me. And the house.) Now was a time in which I really, really wish my mom had let me take French.

Strangely enough, during this moment of inner turmoil, the Flying Mint Bunny van drove back up my driveway. Huh. Well, at least he's better than the Jehovah's Witness people.

I preemptively opened the door and waited for the delivery guy to scramble to my porch. "Ah, miss! I'm terribly sorry, but there's been a mistake. It's my first day on the job, see, and I accidentally gave you an extra unit!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Which one's the extra?"

He paused for a moment and pulled a little booklet out of his pocket. "Hold on a moment... Elizabeth Misty Kirby, right?"

"Yes," I sighed. "Please tell me the extra is the frog."

He flipped to the K's section of the booklet before answering. "Here you are! Yeah, the Bonnefois unit is supposed to go to a different household, unless you've already woken him up?"

"Actually, no. Please take the crate. I'm sure some other fangirl is much more deserving than I of that French pervo." I opened the door and the delivery guy carted the crate with France in it back to his van.

"Again, I am so sorry about the mix-up," he apologized afterwards. "Your test scores were exceptionally high, so I thought you would have gotten two units, but-"

"Hold on a sec. Test scores?" The heck was he talking about?

"Ah, well, you see, we've recently come up with a new batch of prototype units, and the higher-ups wanted to send some to the teenage populace to see how they acted. The units, not the kids." The delivery guy kept babbling nervously, and I was beginning to wonder if maybe a Jehovah's Witness would have been better. At least they had the sense to not sound like a complete idiot. "So, they had some people make up a test to see how well the junior high and highschool kids knew their history, and we sent it out to the state superintendents. Only a few kids in each state were chosen to get a unit, so you should feel really lucky." Lucky? That was a laugh.

"Well, anyways, miss Elizabeth, I'll need the manual back for the Bonnefois unit." I unceremoniously handed the guy the manual and he smiled at me. "Thank you, and I hope you enjoy your new unit!" He got into the mint green van and drove back down the driveway.

"And I hope you get fired for being an idiot," I muttered as I went back inside. At least I wouldn't have to deal with both France and Britain at the same time. I wasn't stupid, though. I loved Hetalia and had lots of fan fictions on story alert and favorite. So I knew how these unit stories went. Young, parentless rich girl mysteriously gets units and hilarity and smexy time ensued. Well, this time was going to be different. This girl had parents! And was middle class. And lived in Oklahoma. Yeaaahh... this was going to be fun. AKA my life -and summer, can't forget that- was officially over.

* * *

*Notes:

May 3rd: Violent series of tornadoes that ran through Oklahoma City in 1999 between May third and May sixth. The biggest was an F5 which caused over a billion dollars in damage, which is the one I'm talking about here.

**AN:**

**So, this is my attempt at a unit fic. I may or may not continue this, so I'd like to see what the nice people of Fanfiction think of it before I upload another chapter. I love and adore praise, and happily accept constructive criticism. Pointless flames, on the other hand... If you're going to yell at me, give me a reason. Kudos and fruit punch to anyone who points out grammatical errors. Thanks! Oh, and please review! **


	2. In which a guest comes to annoy me

**_Disclaimer: I don't own The Star Spangled Banner, Matchbox Twenty, Oklahoma, or Hetalia. Or the Constitution. It's pretty obvious I don't own that._**

"Mkay, time to wake up the old man." Internal rant done, I walked back inside and picked up the manual for my new unit. "Let's see... I'll try... hm." The grill was broken, so hamburgers were out, I didn't want to make tacos at nine in the morning, and alcohol was clearly out of the question. So, that left...

I cleared my throat, set down the manual, smoothed down my hair, and started to sing. Rather nicely, I might add.

"Oh, say, can you see? By the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed, at the twilight's last gleaming. Whose bright stripes and white stars-"

"ALFRED TURN THAT DAMN SONG OFF!" Arthur shouted and started clawing at the sides of the box. I immediately shut up and went to pry off the lid. As I pried it off, it flew right into my face -which hurt like none other- and Arthur Kirkland stepped out of the crate.

"GODDAMMIT MOTHERF-" I continued on with some very, very bad words.

Arthur rushed to me, apologizing. "Are you alright, miss? I'm terribly sorry for hitting you in the face like that. Not very gentlemanly, I'm afraid."

My expletive fest over (and my face red still from the blow), I looked up at Arthur and blinked. He looked so real. It was almost too good to be true. So, to make sure, I grabbed his face.

Arthur blinked and became red in the face. "Why the bloody hell are you grabbing my face?" he spluttered, voice muffled because of my hand.

I said nothing at first. I didn't want him to think I has issues. "Instantaneous reflex."

"Well, I suppose it's partially my fault as well. I did whack you in the face, after all. My apologies."

"Accepted."

"Anywho, I believe some introductions are in order. I'm-"

"Arthur Kirkland, also known as The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland." I smirked a little at the surprised look on his face.

"How the hell did you know that?"

"I'm not an idiot. What, did you expect some stupidly perfect Mary-Sue who didn't know your full country name?" I raised an eyebrow.

"You can't even begin to fathom..." Arthur muttered. He looked almost relieved, and yet frustrated at the same time. He'll definitely need to get used to this. "Anyways, since you already know who I am, why don't you tell me yours?"

"Elizabeth Misty Kirby," I replied. "And don't call me Miss Kirby. I get enough of that from everyone else; I don't want it at home either."

"Elizabeth it is. Please, feel free to call me Arthur." He paused for a second, then added, "And refrain from calling me Artie or Iggy." He made a disgusted face at the nicknames.

"Fair enough. Oh, and go ahead and have a seat." Yay, remembered my manners. Arthur sat on the couch and started to look around my living room. He squinted at a random spot in the air, then shook his head.

"Would you like something to drink?" I asked, heading towards the kitchen, which was connected to the living room. Gotta love open floor plans. "I'm afraid the only tea we have is sun tea."

"No, thank you. I'm fine." England was still sitting sort of stiffly on the couch. "Can you tell me where we are, exactly?"

"What, can't tell through the window?" I asked sarcastically.

"I'm not a psychic!" England huffed. "If you're going to be like this, I-"

My cell phone started to play the opening notes of Real World by Matchbox Twenty*, and I held up one finger (index, of course) so he'd shut up. As he made an indignant face and muttered something about kids these days, I answered my phone. "Hello?"

"LIZARD PLEEEEEASE LET ME IN I'VE BEEN PARKED IN YOUR YARD SINCE MIDNIGHT AND I FORGOT MY KEY AT HOOOME..." Figures. She always forgets the key to my house.

I sighed at my best friend's antics and hung up. "Be right back. Don't trash the place or drink all the liquor while I'm gone."

"What kind of person do you take me for? I'm not a hooligan!" Arthur retorted angrily. He stayed on the couch as I let in my unexpected visitor.

"'Bout time you opened up, Lizard! I've been waiting forever!" The tall girl bounded into the living room

"Nice to see you too, Tally." I sighed. Tally, more commonly known as Tallulah Lynn Rainbow on her birth certificate and 'psycho sword lady' amongst the sophomores (she was a junior) , grinned and gave me a bear hug, her short shiny black hair bouncing a little as she squished me. She was taller than me by a little bit (I stand at 5'7" and she's 5'11", but it still bugs the crap out of me) and yet I never ended up with my face in her chest. Go figure.

"Air, please!" I managed to choke out, and Tally let me go.

"Fine, fine!" She laughed. "I'm just happy you opened up! There's a point at which even thick walls and music don't mask the yelling and the noises, ya know?" Her smile dropped for a second, then reappeared when she saw England. "Oooh, Lizard, you didn't tell me you got a unit!" Tally scrambled over to him and practically shook him with a handshake. "Tallulah Rainbow, at your service! Pleasure ta meet ya, England!" Her grin reached her swirly grey-green eyes on her naturally tan face, and it was obvious from her expression she was ecstatic. Also, judging from Arthur's expression, she was crushing his hand.

"The pleasure's all mine, miss Tallulah." He winced, then retracted his hand from Tally's grasp and stood up, shaking his hand a little. "This might seem rude, seeing as how we just met and all, but could you be a dear and tell me where we are?"

My eyes widened as Tally got a wicked grin on her face. She opened her mouth, and before I could stop her she started to sing.

_"Ooooook-lahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain._

_And the waving wheat can sure smell sweet when the wind come right behind the rain!_

_Ooooook-lahoma, every night my honey lamb and I_

_Sit alone and talk, and watch a hawk makin' lazy circles in the sky!_

_We know we belong to the land._

_And the land we belong to is grand!_

_So when we saaaay, 'Yeow!'_

_I-yip- I-o-e-aaaaa! Yeow!_

_We're only sayin'_

_'You're doin' fine, Oklahoma!'_

_Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A_

_Oklahoma! OK!"_

I facepalmed as Tally triumphantly finished her little song*. England looked like he wanted to laugh, but was restraining himself from doing so. "Honestly, Tally? You couldn't have just told him?" I rolled my eyes as Tally shrugged.

"At least she told me," Arthur countered. "That was more than you would do, in any case."

I bristled at his comment. Who was he, to pass judgement on someone he'd just met? But, as usual, I kept my face straight and said nothing to him.

"Hey Lizzy, same room, right?" Tally interrupted the silence between the three of us.

"Actually, you're bunking with me," I said. "Can't have you and the Brit in the same room, can we?" Again, England looked a bit put out at this.

Tally nodded and practically bounced up the stairs to clear her crap out of the spare bedroom that she often stayed in. Once she was upstairs, England gave me a questioning look. "And how come we cannot share a room? I would never dream of doing anything; I am a gentleman after all."

"It's not because I don't trust you -and I don't really trust you yet," I added, walking to the kitchen. He followed me.

"I can see why you don't trust me, sort of, but who are you doing it for, if not because you distrust me?" Arthur looked genuinely curious, to be honest.

However, I wasn't ready to give him that information just yet. "I plead the fifth*, and you can't get around the Constitution, England."

He opened his mouth to speak, but shut it and sighed in frustration. "You make no bloody sense, young lady, did you know that?"

"Actually, I do make sense. You just don't know me yet." I raised an eyebrow. "Now, do you want me to show you to your room, or not?"

* * *

**Notes:***

**Matchbox Twenty: Band that I was listening to when I was typing this up and thought, 'This would totally be Tally's ringtone!' Seriously, go look them up if you can.**

**Tally's 'little song': The main song, if I remember right, from the musical _Oklahoma_. It's called Oklahoma. Funny, right? I can sing the whole thing, too.**

**Plead the Fifth: A little reference to the US Constitution. Basically, the fifth amendment means that you don't have to testify against yourself.**

**So! Decided to continue this, because people are actually reading this. Yeah! Thanks to yami-of-the-darkness for favoriting and alerting! Means a lot to me, when I get those emails.**

**And to you people who are reading this: drop a review! Even if you absolutely hate it, tell me why so I can maybe fix it. Ginger ale and popsicles to anyone who points out errors. Oh, and don't expect another chapter this fast; I'm posting this because I get out of school as of tomorrow afternoon. Think of it as a summer break present!**

**Please review! And feel free to advertise shamelessly if you do. ;D**


	3. In which there is another unit

_Disclaimer_: _If I don't own it, I don't own it. All I own are Elizabeth, Tally and the plot. And the delivery guys. Can't forget them._

I love having a house with stairs. My room and the spare are upstairs and away from my parent's room, so I can read into the late hours of the night and not get yelled at. Plus, stairs add a sort of allure to a house, if you ask me. Same deal with a fireplace.

I led Arthur up the stairs to the landing. Our landing is almost like a little library. There's at least four bookshelves on the back wall, with a desk in the back. There's also a rug in the middle of the room, along with a little table and some comfy chairs that do not kill people. Great place to relax and listen to music or read.

Arthur looked around the loft curiously and went over to examine the bookshelf. I went over to my desk and started clearing up some old papers of mine when I came across a few books that I'd left there. I picked them up and was putting them on the shelf when I saw England taking various books off the shelves and smiling softly.

"You have good taste in books," I said quietly as I went over to see what he'd grabbed.

Arthur blinked. "Of course I do; many good writers come from the United Kingdom." The way he said that sounded a bit... off, but I let it slide. "Do you mind if I borrow a few of these for my room?"

"So long as you put them back in their places, no." He'd grabbed Matilda, as well as The BFG*. Figures. I walked back to the hallway to the two upstairs bedrooms and motioned for him to come with. He followed me to the spare room, which Tally had apparently vacated already. She must not have had much stuff over here.

The bedroom was a bit smaller than mine, and quite a bit plainer. The walls were a soft blue, with carpeting on the floor. The bed was in the corner, with an end table and a lamp. Other than that and the closet, there really wasn't anything to this room.

"Here's where you'll be staying," I told him. "I can move some other furniture in here, but..." I wasn't going to tell him he probably wasn't going to be here for long.

"No, that's quite alright," England said. "If it's all the same to you, I'll just move the rest of my belongings up here. Not that I come with much anyways," he chuckled wryly. Again, there's something off about him that I can't seem to place. Maybe it's because he's acting different than the fanfics say? That might be it. Nature versus nurture, and all that.

I left him to his own devices and went to check on Tally in my room. She was staring around. "Y'know, Lizard, I don't think I've ever been in here," she said, frowning.

"You haven't," I replied, fixing my teal dresser drawers.

"I never knew you had Pokemon posters on your wall," Tally added in a teasing voice, sitting on my ju (which currently had sheets with little fishes on them).

I sighed. "Yes, Tally, I have Pokemon posters on my wall. I also have wooden swords han-" I never even got to finish my sentence, because Tally squealed and ran to my shelves, which currently housed my movie collection, my CD collection, and my collection of swords.

I know, I know. But I have the common sense not to bring them to school and threaten the student council treasurer to "give up the damn loot before I skewer ye, wench!" (Tally's were real, too.)

"Aww, they're all fake," the aforementioned psycho sword lady pouted.

"I'm not psychotic," I replied. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make myself a bowl of cereal because it's ten-thirty in the morning and I am going to throttle the next person who gets between me and food." I stepped out of my room and down the stairs to my kitchen, where England was currently attempting to murder my oven. Actually, he was sitting at the kitchen table with a newspaper and a mug of what smelled like tea while there were scones in the oven.

"Your scones are going to burn," I said as I entered the pantry and grabbed a box of Lucky Charms.

"Wha-? Fuck!" England set down the newspaper and tea and rushed over to the oven. He grabbed some pot holders and opened the door to it, pulling the tray the scones were on out and setting it on another pot holder on the counter. "Thank you for telling me."

"The only reason I told you," I said, snagging a bowl out of one of the cabinet and pouring a bowl of Lucky Charms, "is because I actually like my oven and would rather you not explode it in the coming days."

"I would never explode an oven! I am a great chef!" England proclaimed, picking up a scone and waving it at me. "If you don't believe me, eat a scone."

"I'll stick to Lucky Charms, thanks." I knelt down to grab a spoon when a scone was shoved into my mouth. "Mmph!" I managed to grab my spoon and chew the scone as well. Standing up, I glared at Arthur.

"It tastes like a dry biscuit," I said, grabbing my bowl and heading for the couch.

"It shouldn't have; I never added any chocolate chips."

"Wrong kind of biscuits, old man." I sat down on the couch and proceeded to eat my cereal.

"I AM NOT OLD!"

* * *

The rest of the day went pretty similar to the morning. Tally insisted on spending the night, as I thought she would. She also annoyed Arthur to no end, but it kept both of them out of my hair long enough for me to make preparations for him living with me. Factoring in Tally, I was going to need to make some definite changes in my plans for the next week at least. Not to mention any unforeseeable circumstances, like flat tires.

So, by the time bedtime rolled around (about 10:30 for me), I was pretty well out of it. Thankfully, England had hit the sack an hour ago, so I didn't have to deal with the dynamic duo. Tally doesn't act like she likes sleep, even though she does enjoy it, and she fights if there's lots of people around.

Bedtime went like this:

Me: *yawn* I'm heading to bed.

Tally: Okay.

Me: You're coming with. I'm not leaving you by yourself.

Tally: But whyyyy?

Me: Last time, I ended up with feminine hygiene products on the walls and the alcohol was absent. Remember how long that took to clean up?

Tally: Oh yeah! I'm suddenly feeling tired and shit! *runs up stairs*

She's a mess, but somebody's got to deal with her.

So with that, Tally and I headed to my room, and eventually fell asleep after much ridiculing of my room on her part. Long day, certainly. Was tomorrow going to be even longer? If Mr. Murphy* had anything to do with it, yes, and it was going to be twice as fun! Not.

* * *

Ah, Monday. I'd forgotten to turn off my alarm, and as such it was going off. Thankfully, it had been set for seven, so I wasn't getting up too early for a Monday. Even though it was summer break. I hit snooze and rolled out of bed, careful not to wake Tally who was right next to me. I blinked and went downstairs, pouring a bowl of cereal and turning on the television to news.

Arthur and Tally weren't out of bed yet when the knocking started. Figuring it was the door (you don't say?) I went to answer it -when the person on the other side started pounding on it, that is.

"Listen, pal, this had better be-"

"Lady, I ain't here to have ya yell at me. Sign th' damn form so I can get back to my deliveries."

I blinked, but managed not to say anything stupid as I took in this mysterious person. From the looks of the ridiculous work outfit, the van, and the crate, he was either part of the creepy kidnapper's guild or an employee of Flying Mint Bunny Corp. I went with the latter, because it's gotten around town that I'm a horrible kidnappee. Not that I've been kidnapped, mind.

"I thought I only got one of these things," I said, raising an eyebrow as the southern delivery guy in a cowboy hat thrust his clipboard into my hands. I signed the delivery notice and handed it back to him.

"Heh, that's right. You got the noob, Simon, as yer derlivery boy yesterday, didn't you?" The guy had a smug look on his face. "Well, missy, you get as many as th' big bosses decide you get. You're a special case, they said. Here's yer damn manual, and there's th' damn crate. Adios, have fun with yer unit and shit!" Unceremoniously handing me the manual for my unit, he turned around and walked back to his van. Smugly.

As he drove off, I flipped him off and yelled "ASSHOLE, GO TO HELL!" What can I say, I get agitated sometimes. I looked at the manual and raised a questioning eyebrow.

_Alfred F. Jones: User Guide and Manual._

As of right now, I was mentally kicking myself. Why did they have to send me America? Another reason for Tally to flip smooth out. For some reason or other, upon inspection the Tony unit was missing. Maybe the world didn't hate me after all. Now, to wake up the so-called hero.

**Meanwhile...**

_"Sir, we've received data that clearly states that Ms. Kirby's Kirkland unit has, in fact, gone defective. Shall I call off the unit delivery to her residence and take back the units?"_

_ "No... Monitor the Jones unit closely. If he exhibits __**any**__ signs, and I do mean any, storm the house. Is that clear?"_

_ "But sir, she's-"_

_ "A potential disaster just itching to happen. Just monitor the Jones unit and report to me if it exhibits defective signs."_

_ "Yes, sir. I have a question, though."_

_ "Make it quick."_

_ "How does a Jones unit act when defective?"_

_ "... I have no clue."_

* * *

**Notes:**

**Matilda and The BFG: Books by the Welsh author Roald Dahl. You know, the guy who wrote Charlie and the chocolate factory?**

**Mr. Murphy: Murphy's Law. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.**

**Thank you to KiaraWangWilliams for reviewing, faving, and alerting! Also, thank you innocent as far as you know and Sylanc for alerting as well! It means a lot to me~**

**Chapter's a bit longer to make up for the wait. Even though I've been on summer break for the past two weeks, I still can't seem to find much time to write this. Eh, I blame swim team.**

**Please review and tell me what sucks! :D Reviewers get mangoes and chocolate milk!**


	4. In which we fight and I want to scream

I had to figure out a way to wake up the America unit without waking up England and Tally. Which, judging by the manual, was not going to be quiet at all. Figures that I get stuck with the loud ones.

So. Might as well break out the Batman cartoons and blare them at top volume. The rest of the household can deal; seven a.m. is not that early. I went back into the house, and not a single crap was given about my Hello Kitty pajama pants or my Play-Doh nightgown that I was wearing.

I went back to my parent's bedroom and maneuvered around their bed to their movie rack. Sifting through the movies, I grabbed my dad's Batman cartoon collection and made a mental note to watch some of the movies that they had later.

I walked back into the living room and put the disk in the DVD player. After waiting forever for it to load, I turned up the volume, opened the door, stepped out of the way, and hit "Play All".

As soon as I hit play, I could hear someone's muffled voice outside. I went back outside and saw the crate rocking back and forth a little bit.

"Hey, lady, let me _out_! I really wanna watch Batman! He's a hero, you know!"

I learn from my mistakes. I'm not about to let myself get whacked in the face with semi splintery wood again.

"Don't you have super strength? I thought you could bust out of the box real easy." I folded my arms across my chest and waited for a reply. Which never came, because the lid literally flew off and America stepped out of the crate.

"Hey, I almost forgot about that! Thanks, citizen! Wait, we are in the U. S. of A. right?" Alfred's face went from ecstatic to shifty-eyed in 2.7 seconds.

"I'm speaking English in a semi-Southern accent. Yes, we're in the States, dumbass. Oklahoma, to be exact." I rolled my eyes at him. No common sense. They really did make him the stereotypical Americ-

"OK-LAHOMA WHERE THE WIND COMES SWEEPIN' DOWN THE PLAIN!" Tally stuck her head out my bedroom window and belted out the first line of the song.

"WILL YOU STOP!" I shouted up at her as she snickered and shut the window. Seriously, is she going to do that every single time?

"HAHAHAHA! You guys are funny!" America was laughing his hero laugh and just standing there.

I sighed frustratedly and massaged my eyes with my right hand and holding onto the manual with my left. "Could you just please grab your clothing and other stuff and go watch Batman?"

"Sure!" Alfred cheerfully grabbed his clothes out of the crate and ran inside, plopping down on the couch. He became immediately engrossed in the show.

I walked back into the house, shutting the door and maneuvering around the pile of broken-down crate next to the doorway. "I'm going to go get changed. Do _not_, under _any_ circumstances, get up from that couch until I come back. Comprende?"

"What if the evil commie bastard comes and kidnaps you?"

"That is highly un-"

"Or if France shows up?"

"Are you saying I'm a da-"

"Or what if you fall and can't get up?"

"Seriously, are you going to let me t-"

"Or what if the ghosts come to eat our SOULS!" America got all scared after proclaiming this, clutching his few belongings to his chest.

"Look, I'm sure that you, as a hero, are perfectly capable of protecting us if anything bad happens, okay?" I hated inflating his ego like this, but I did not want a blubbering American on my hands.

"Of course I'll protect you, pretty lady! I'M THE HERO!" America jumped up off the couch into a Superman pose, unintentionally flinging his spare clothes that he came with all over the living room.

A roll of the eyes and a trudge upstairs later, I arrived in my room, with Tally in my face. "I canNOT believe that we got another unit! Tell me who it is! TELLMETELLMETELLMETELLME!" She bounced up and down repeatedly in front of me.

"Glad to see someone's still excited about this. Now, will you please stop bouncing? You're going to break through my floor." I rolled my eyes as she stopped, still with an enormous grin on her face. "It's America, by the way."

"Really?" Tally stopped bouncing and her grin fell. She was, to put it mildly, less than thrilled. "Can we send him back? Or kill him and hide the body in my garden? He'd make great fertilizer!" She's a bit morbid at times, too.

"First of all, he's an android, so he wouldn't make good fertilizer at all. Second, I'd really rather you _not_ kill him, thanks. I really don't want the police here while my parents are gone. What do you have against America, anyways?"

"He's too happy."

"Hypocrite. Go look in a mirror sometime, and you'll find someone who fits that description."

"Meh. Point being, you're a buzzkill and America is just wrong."

"He's a stereotype, of course he's wrong! That's what headcanon is for!"

"So? Doesn't mean I have to adore my home country, who murdered my people so they could have more farmland!" Tally was yelling at this point.

I was about to yell back, but an exploding noise occurred, coupled with the smell of smoke that wafted up through the open door of my room from downstairs. I hadn't realized it was open in the first place; the units must have been able to hear our little argument. Then I realized that yes, something was burning, and that that I really should go look to see what it was before my house burnt down. Why, you ask? Because, it would really suck to have my house burnt down.

I rushed downstairs -still in my pajamas- and followed the smoke to my kitchen, where Arthur and Alfred were putting out what looked like the charred, exploded remains of my microwave.

"Y-y-you _killed_ my microwave..." I whispered, almost struck dumb. "How the hell did you...?"

"I may have, ah, accidentally left the spoon in my tea cup when I went to heat it up." England said after a minute.

Well. That essentially totaled my morning. I had already planned on going shopping to buy the units some clothes, but now I had to buy a new microwave as well. And to top it all off, it's only Monday. Swell.

* * *

**Augh! Stupid short chapter! Meh. And it took forever to get out, too. I would have had this out earlier, but I got Professor Layton and the Last Specter, and that game is freaking FUN. **

**Oh yeah! In the time it took me to update, my inbox was flooded with awesomeness from you guys! Thank you to KiaraWangWilliams, Amanuet, and Team Rebel (One on each chapter, even!) for reviewing! Thanks to summer164, Demon Piper, Cynda-Chan, Amanuet, and Silver Tiger 123 for faving! Gracias (that's Spanish for thank you) to Yanelle, Silver Tiger 123, and Shi Kage for alerting! And, last but not least, thank you to Yanelle and Cynda-Chan for author alerting! Honestly, I don't post for a little over a week, and then you guys... YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY! I think I'm gonna cry...**

**Anywho, tirumisu and coffee to whoever reviews! Love you guys!**


	5. In which they cause mayhem at a diner

**_If it looks like I don't own it, I don't own it, kay?_**

"Well, look on the bright side," Tally said cheerily as the units dumped my poor microwave into the trashcan that was in my kitchen. She seemed to have completely recovered from our argument earlier and was quite a bit happier.

"_What_ bright side? My microwave exploded!" I was starting to wish this had never happened in the first place- and not just the microwave situation, either. All of this crap I'd gone through was frustratingly annoying.

"At least the **stove** didn't explode!"

Oh, like that was a consolation.

"_Don't give them ideas_!" I hiss-pered* at Tally.

Alfred and Arthur looked hurt, although the former brushed it off with a hero laugh and the latter had a strange, upset look on his face, his body language signalling that that was not a very nice comment to make, and I could go die in a crockpot*. Violently. In a nice maple and brown sugar sauce, with a splash of honey added for good measure. Maybe with a side of cooked carrots and potatoes, even. Smashing.

I sighed. "Well, since this morning is already in the toilet, I do not feel up to cooking right now." I was about to continue, but was suddenly interrupted rudely by Tally and America.

"I CAN COOK!" Both of them shouted, bounced a little, and raised a hand in the air. Tally quickly put her hand down and narrowed her eyes at America, who didn't seem to be affected at all.

"No one is cooking! I really would rather not see my kitchen go up in flames. I was actually thinking of going out for breakfast. "Are there any suggestions from the peanut gallery before I make an executive decision?"

Half an hour later, we were in the car- in people clothes, not pajamas- and heading into town to get breakfast. I was driving, of course, since Tally's a leadfoot speed racer and the units didn't come with driver's licenses. (Which, when I think about it, makes a bit of sense, since they'd have to have hundreds of the same driver's license for each unit by themselves.)

"Let's go to McDonald's!" America shouted over the radio happily. A resounding chorus of "No" greeted him from the rest of us in the car.

"We are not eating fast food for breakfast. End of story," I added, changing the radio station to 80's. Jenny* came on right after I switched, and Tally and I sang along happily.

"_Jenny I got your number! I need to make you mine! Jenny, don't change your number! 867-5309_!"

By the end of the song America had joined in and England was giving us "You are completely bonkers" looks.

"Seriously, though. Where're we eating breakfast? I'm starving to death back here!" America made a dramatic face from his seat in the back.

"You'll see when we get there~" Tally said happily from her seat at shotgun.

"It had better damn well not be some coffee shop that has no idea what tea is," England muttered.

"Better get used to sweet iced tea, Iggy. You ain't in Britain no more." Tally put on her best Southern hick accent, which made America laugh.

England rolled his eyes. "My name is not _Iggy_. That goes for both of you gits," he added, annoyed and pointing at Tally and America.

"In all seriousness, the only places that're going to have tea are Asian restaurants and some of the local breakfast places and coffee shops. If you really need it, I'll add it to my grocery list," I said, trying to focus on the road. I hadn't been driving for very long, and the little spat that the rest of my party was having was distracting me. "So, if you all would just shut the hell up until we reach our destination, that would be fantastic. We're in town anyways, so it should only be a few minutes." I gripped the wheel just a tad bit tighter.

"Someone's being unhero-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

About ten silent minutes later, I parked the car on Main Street and we all got out onto the sidewalk. A sidewalk sign for "The Diner"* sat in front of us, right next to the door. "This place looks kitchy. Is it a diner?" Alfred asked.

"No, it's a five-star restaurant. Of course it's a diner, dumbass," I said, rolling my eyes and walking inside. The others followed suit, and a waitress came up to us.

"Jus' sit wherever you like," she said, smiling and winking at the boys. America winked back, but England didn't seem to notice.

"BAAAARRRRRRR SEAAAAAATS!" Tally sprinted over to the counter and snagged a spot for herself. Thankfully, there were three seats next to her, so we sat down at the counter with her.

The waitress came back, this time on the other side of the counter. "Can I get y'all anything t' drink?"

"Coffee." America, of course.

"Tea, please." England was in for a shock.

"Coke." Tally's weird like that.

"Orange juice, no pulp if you have it, please." Yours truly almost always gets orange juice if I eat out for breakfast.

"Alrighty! I'll be back with your drinks in a sec." She walked over to get some other people's drink orders, and we started looking over the menu. With which England was clearly not thrilled.

"Is there anything that isn't artery-clogging on this menu?" he asked, raising an eyebrow and making a face.

"We would be eating at home, but someone destroyed my microwave, so that was a no," I said. "Trust me, it's all delicious. If you aren't sure, just get the blueberry pancakes."

The waitress came back with our drinks at that time. "There's sweetener and creamer if you need it in the little dish, hon," she said to Alfred then addressed all of us as Arthur stared in slight horror at his glass of unsweetened iced tea*. "What can I get y'all?"

"Two by two by two for me!" Tally said with a big grin. "With the super-awesome blueberry pancakes!"

"Scrambled and sausage, right?" The waitress grinned when Tally nodded, a little mystified. "Thought so. And you?"

"Same as hyper over here, except with bacon," I said, rolling my eyes and smiling a little at Tally's goofiness.

"And for the gentleman who looks like he's never seen iced tea before?" England was twitching and muttering something at the tea. He was kinda creeping me out, and probably the waitress too.

"He'll have two blueberry pancakes," I said. It's not like he was in any position to order anything.

"Mkay. And for you?" She asked America.

"Two two by two by twos, both with blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs, one with bacon and the other with sausage." America smiled at the waitress, who frowned.

"You sure you're gonna be able to eat all that?" she asked him.

America just grinned and nodded.

I'm not sure that I want to go into details about the rest of the meal. Let's just say that it involved a smattering of black magic, the ruining of some amazing ginormous blueberry pancakes, a very livid me, and a large tip for our poor waitress.

"This is why we can't have nice things!" Tally exclaimed with a horrible grin on her face as we quickly walked out of the Diner. I swear, I wanted to punch her. One of these days, Tally, one of these days...

"Shut it, Tally. You aren't the one who went without amazing breakfast."

"You could've had half of mine, Lizzy. I ordered plenty!" America tried to placate me as he speedily got into the backseat of the Jeep, with England following behind in a daze. He shut the car door as Tally and I got in and buckled.

"Not helping, Al!" I gripped the wheel tight as I started the car and drove out of the little parking spot. "You really shouldn't have argued with that man about aliens existing! Did it not occur to you that we're in the bible belt? And Arthur, you aren't out of trouble either." I glared at both of them via the rear-view mirror. "Who the hell casts a spell on a glass of iced tea? It's freaking harmless, and perfectly edible!" Tally started snickering. My face was red, and my anger was escalating quickly. I was pissed. "Tallulah, can you please not add on to this? You were no help at all in the restaurant, and I'm already irked. So just shut the fuck up so I can drive. Savvy?"

Well, that seemed to shut her up. I rarely called her Tallulah, and even then it's happened only once or twice in the five years that I've known her (and that was more towards the beginning.) I was really not all there at the moment, though. I'm surprised I didn't crash the car. I wasn't even sure where I was going, only that I wanted to get away. At one point I thought about turning on the radio, but decided not to. Let everyone wallow in the silence, I say. (I'm just glad I didn't make that psychotic leap from passive to aggressive.)

After a while of randomly driving, I felt the need to break the silence. (Plus I was starving. Seriously, all I had for breakfast was three glasses of orange juice and a bite of eggs. You'd be starving too.) "By the way, just as more punishment, we're going clothes shopping. One, because you two"- I glanced back at England and America, who were still silently squirming- "need people clothes that won't get us jumped by fangirls, and two, I really, really need a new hat and a pretzel. And no one is going to object, lest you face my wrath, okay?" They all nodded vigorously, and I headed for the mall, which was definitely not my favorite place on earth.

* * *

**Notes:**

**Hiss-pered: Almost self explanatory. Hissing and whispering.**

**Go die in a crockpot: Little inside joke of mine that I put in there. :D**

**Jenny: Go look up the number on Youtube if you don't know what I'm talking about. Good song, good song.**

**The Diner: Cute little diner in downtown Norman, OK. If you're ever in town for breakfast or lunch, go eat their awesome blueberry pankcakes.**

**The tea: Heheheh. Gotta love the iced tea.**

**OH MY GOOOOOD I'M SOOO SORRRRRYYYY! I got a bit of a block, and vacation, and swim meet, and exhaustion, and bleh. So yeah. But! I still love you guys! Really! (Platonically, of course.) Thank you all so much for sticking with this!**

**And now, the thanks and shtuff!**

**Thank you to the following people for doing various things!**

**alerting: Spainbow Dash,Team Rebel, Undertakersonlyfriend, GaBeRock, Jun Jin, Keiko Murikami, Ask The Oceans, Otakufan1034, and British West Florida-IggyXUS!**

**faving: Spainbow Dash, Undertakersonlyfriend, Jun Jin, Pedro-IS-Madi12, and British West Florida-IggyXUS!**

**author alerting: Team Rebel and British West Florida-IggyXUS!**

**author faving: British West Florida-IggyXUS!**

**reviewing: Yanelle, EmeraldHeart12 (anonymous), Michigan (anonymous), KiaraWangWilliams, Team Rebel, and British West Florida-IggyXUS!**

**Again, all of you are flipping amazing for reading this. (I love y'all so much that I'm up at like, 11 pm central time just to finish this thing.) Hopefully the next chappie will be out in a couple of weeks. Homemade tea popsicles (hey, it'd getting hot outside) and... crap I'm running out of drink stuff! Um, cherry Kool-Aid! Yeah! Homemade tea popsicles and cherry Kool-Aid for reviewers! Love you guys!**


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